Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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