After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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