Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
