I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
