my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
