I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
