Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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