is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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