i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
