I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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