the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
