After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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