I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm getting married
To pizza
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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