Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
