btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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