it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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