The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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