So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
