My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
