i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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