my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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