Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
