When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
