DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
