Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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