I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
should my penis look like a turkey
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
