her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
