I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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