I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
