woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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