I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
