Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
