I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
