Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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