I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
