if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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