Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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