I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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