Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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