Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
