he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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