My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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