I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
