T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
