woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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