the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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