I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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