Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
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I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
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Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Still dying that you shit outside
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.