Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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