chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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