i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
