sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
