i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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