after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
