What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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